i picked up the telescope and all i saw was new
snow and spontaneity occupied the view
i saw myself all yellow
despite the grey skies
she knew what to do

the world is different with the telescope down
it’s not exactly that it feels like the unknown
it feels like the kind of space
someone else needs to be shown
it’s an old house for sale, no defects, it’s cozy
i am giving it all up cause i have found a new home
it’s a house i found through telescope realtors
walls were like kaleidoscope,
feelings were too.
a gradient of happy, sad, and carefree

all will be well.

 

 

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I’m not sad anymore. It feels like I have been sad for so long, but I think I have finally learned to accept things for the way they are and understand that I have the power to change only one thing and that is my life. My motivation to better myself flows in and out, and there are days like yesterday where I had to push myself a little bit harder to do more, be more–and I think that’s the key. For a long time I was working on being happy, being at peace, and loving myself. I realize now that those things will be an eternal process. It’s not a finish line. They are conditions that we may naturally feel sometimes, not always. These days I have been doing more of the things that I have always yearned for. I finally stopped beating myself up for what I am not, and looking more into what I am. I am doing what I like, what I love, and what I enjoy because no one comes up to you and hands you joy, confidence, or a sound mind but yourself.

Nothing hurts except my back at the end of a long day’s work. Settling down with the love of my life used to be on top of my bullet list, but I am starting to feel differently about loving other humans, intimacy, what have you. I definitely am not opposed to it. The love I receive from my human I accept wholly as much as I could, but its not my world anymore. It took me a long time to overcome that section of my life, romantic love used to be the only love I chose to see, but I am exploring and domesticating the life around me in positive ways where I have come across love in so many different forms. I find love in the innocence of the babies I work with everyday. I find love in my body when I see it first thing in the morning. I find love in the butterflies fluttering in the summer heat. I find love in most things and I think that’s okay.

I have spent far too much time being mad, being sad, being insecure, being fearful….but like.. for what

It’s not how I planned it but things are moving. The autumn has been kind thus far, though it is early in the season. Moments of doubt have been frequent but I find myself fighting the urge to let scary thoughts cripple me. As days pass by, I feel more and more like the woman I believe I could be. Of course I understand the significance of accepting and living my authentic self

A desire to shed.

I want to shed it all. Shed my skin. Shed my short-temper. Shed.
I want to shed my shallow and selfish.
I want to shed.

I am allowed to reject anything that doesn’t feel right to me, in me. I owe it to me. I need to worry about me, and only me.

I am not allowed to compare. You are you, I am I. She was beautiful, and so am I.

I am allowed to remove thoughts, I have the power to remove thoughts that wastes my ability to make efficient and effective decisions.

I have the power to shift all my energy to me and me only; in able to create the version of me that can better provide and assist to all those around me.

Sunny Days

I found warmth in the way the music decorated space so empty and full all at once.
I caress the rays of the sun,
She held me tight, she kissed my brain each morning
Thank you for illuminating so much in my life
Thank you for lighting the way

See it took me a little while to discover that
the road is endless,
beyond sharp curves,
beyond pavements that could be so rough they burst your tires
you will stop in places that look like home
feeding on bread served by souls that touched like fire
that spoke like the sweet kiss of the ocean breeze on the skin
that will make you grip on imaginary perfection, long for moments you are never guaranteed

 

unfinished business

instant gratification,
inside outside, inside outside,
each time they get a taste they feel like a champion
i say no strings attached because my mind is bolted somewhere else
my heart is buried somewhere else
i can never guarantee the potential for connection
the fire in my loins die quick

anything that makes my body tremble
i think i must admit is only
a quick remedy a source of energy
i say i want to do the right thing
but i know to truly hold my peace
to have it day and night
i must desire my own body
and learn to make love to my soul

inner peace could never come from another woman’s declaration of admiration
for my body and my thinking
not from a mans affirmation of desire for the mountains on my chest or the pearl between my legs
this could never be peace,
this is a war in my head right as the sun rises when
the admirers and the mountain climbers leave
me undressed in bed

PEACE TIME! i agree make love not war
i wanna tell you that your body is beyond an object of desire
when they say come on baby light my fire through their eyes
and a grip on your thighs i wanna let you know
you need not to give this man or woman warmth
you need not put yourself through this
because i know it leaves you cold

jb