bad thoughts:

i feel like i look unappealing
i feel like i am unlikable
i feel tired
my skin is burning

good thoughts

it doesn’t matter what i look like and i am probably a wonderful living thing like all the other living things
i am who i am i need not worry for another’s opinion because i still hold life and that is so much to waste away over an opinion spoken or unspoken
i get to rest
its never too late to apply sun screen.

Two Part: Mula sa aking puso

title translation: from my heart

Truthfully, I am not 100 percent aware of all the destructive and selfish acts occurring in the world. I find it a bit difficult to believe that anyone has complete and true understanding of anyone or someone else’s experience unless they share such experience together.

I skimmed through the WordPress homepage reading about two new attacks in London, agreements or rather disagreements made between world leaders and people being robbed of their free will. By read I meant I saw the titles in bold font and from there chose to back away from the details. In high school we are taught that it hurts us in the end when we are oblivious to “current events”, and then if we decide to go to college suddenly these sources of current events aka news suddenly has a spectrum, suddenly we are told of the ways in which news is presented to us, how some have intentions of reshaping our perspective of the world for the worse. Essentially, it’s just another one of the many things in our surroundings that try to take away from our capability to perceive and experience life. The problem here is not that we are being given information, but it is the manner and intentions that lay between. A hierarchy decides that we should feel and think as they please…. and as found in even the simplest of relationships, this is a dysfunctional dynamic.

Anyone who seeks for benevolence within humanity will never find the answers from the narrow minded patriots. I find that excessive patriotism can be quite arrogant, and that the lands we occupy are beyond the names and rules they have been given over time. I also believe that it is disrespectful to the Universe, to mother earth and nature itself. If there is anything I am sure of, it is that the world did not come together in all its glory and all its beauty for us to be so disrespectful to her and to each other. As important as our life is as the Universe, nobody is ever truly important enough to destroy another’s life.

Today I ponder about my purpose. It is a wonderful thing that there are still many who seek to change the world for the better. I have spent far too much time believing that my pain and fears are the only experiences I could have in my life. Now I have almost full understanding of how such experiences are constant and that such don’t make up this big and unending stream of emotions and experiences, my desires are changing. I want to feel peace within myself, truly, I seek for this everyday, but I also want to offer peace to everyone around me who feels as though it could never be within reach especially with all of the evil around us. I wonder how.

 

Judas drowned me

I feel the waves inside me,
I am no Jesus, but I felt you my Judas kiss me,
some days it is your responsibility, you destroyed our paradise
but most days I close my eyes and drown in this sea of reality
like a tsunami I destroy magic
in l o v e
in l  i f e
am i the t s u n a m i?
Lately I find that I wipe clean all that was and all that could have been

Self surrendered, I am in solitary confinement
My thoughts a frequent company, no one else (allowed) to pay my soul
a visit
I am not my thoughts but this company of mine almost convinced me
that like a tsunami I bear no beauty,
like a tsunami I bear only destruction of goodness
at least my thoughts tried to to tell me.

My thoughts are my biggest enemy,
I thought I could tell you to quiet down,
I erased harmony with my arrogance
I wish I learned to humble myself sooner,
Sometimes if I am lucky
fear comes along with my enemy,
and together they embrace my entirety
especially on days where the sun was more than present
and still so convinced I was that I am alone, that this was unholy
and let me tell you about their embrace,
when i say entirety i mean they hold onto me so tight they don’t just crawl under my skin
like knives they cut deep inside me
so when I don’t know what to make out of this I shake, I growl, I am overcome with madness
Like the ground in distress, shaking the waters, here comes the tsunami

Once I shake and growl my way out of my enemy and fear
my vision is somehow clear, no need to remind me of my monstrosity
I used to wonder if the water too felt guilty for
what the tsunami does, and what again it could do
til I realized that she knew that this is what waves do,
they can come so angry and leave in peace,
like a tsunami I may crash so angry
but I see now that like the waves I can also leave in peace
I am not the ways in which this water moves

I am but a sailor finding my way across the seas

-Jamie Bungay

everything takes time…

peace, patience, and loving kindness. 

the new moon calls for connection and setting our intentions straight forward, this is something i intend to feel for and offer myself. some peace of mind, patience for what is and isn’t, and loving kindness toward myself that i constantly search for everywhere else except in my heart and in my mind.

today a message was conveyed to me. my lovely friend told me to stop being too dependent on certain things in order to alter my reality. i asked her if i seemed out of touch with whats in front of me, but she was unsure of a response and normally so am i. i often get self-conscious about anything that involves my state of mind, but these days i have become too fond of letting go of many thoughts and emotions that i feel weigh me down.. and in days like today i find myself resisting strongly and fearful of possibilities that are endless.

today is one of those days where you have to try really hard to shift your attention to things that truly matter, to the bigger picture, to the present. today is one of those days where we have to be reminded of how big the universe is, today is one of those days.

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sometimes we get so caught up in our realities and let the few possibilities out of the many crawl under our skin so much that we lose control. there are infinite possibilities and infinite reasons for why things in our lives are the way they are. many times, these things that make us feel the most scared are the same things that pave our paths smooth, allowing us to further our journey into the greatest gift there is, which is life.

release that little jitter bug in you. hah.

Saturday Peace

Saturday nights have often been associated with excessive consumption of vodka, gin, and whiskey… a few joints or blunts for the stoners, and um, I am not quite sure if anyone still does molly? or whatever kind of pill to pick the mood up, but definitely some of that for all my little druggies. Of course these social aids are useless without the main agenda for going out on a Saturday night–socializing. Having momentarily bliss around a sea full of people, the surroundings decorated with loud music, rays of red, blue, and green from cheap LED lights streaming and spinning simultaneously around the room; and constant chatter wherever you turn. The moment and environment I am currently describing can be considered a reward to some for enduring a long week’s worth of labor, a ritual for others who are not quite fond of solitude on Saturdays, perhaps the job itself for a lot of people in the social media sphere. Either way,  I seemed so sure that it was common to question sitting in your living room alone on a Saturday night by your lonesome, with a glassful of wine.

When I used to work for a preschool, one of the parents decide to watch as I changed her daughter’s diapers, literally filled with shit. Her daughter happened to be one of the few toddler’s that struggle with taking naps. This little girl hated naps. I distinctly remember the way she would start singing an hour into the state mandated nap schedules, a lyricist at two, mashing up the infamous twinkle twinkle little star with some gibberish. Her mom found delight in this story, laughing she uttered, “Yeah she has FOMO. This one is always scared of missing out.”

Her daughter giggles as I try to wipe out the gnarly scent of baby crap with her bougie baby wipes. Last night, this moment slipped into my mind and at one point It felt almost like I was living the version of hell this child experienced. At 11 pm I was fighting the desire to sleep, wondering what I could miss if I gave myself the sleep I so badly needed, and questioning really, why it felt as though I was the only person in the world alone in that moment. My higher self understood that this was untrue, but she was not strong enough to let help me just let my thoughts flow.

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In between this act of tormenting my mind, I would go on the Snapchat app to watch clips of different people, all around the world. We all have been gifted with the same time and it was interesting to see how we used this. A quick rundown of the commonalities in time consumption was that almost everyone was out, somewhere, connecting with other forms of life. Some seemed so elevated and carefree in the atmosphere filled with music I was talking about earlier. Some were content and bundled up with their significant others, playing their favorite games or watching their favorite TV shows. Others were enjoying plates of fifteen dollar meals in the heart of their cities with their closest peers. Either way, everybody was with somebody, and to a certain degree I started to feel lonely.  And I wasn’t allowed to complain about this because I had all the opportunities to have energies and vibrations of other beings around me, but I turned these opportunities down. I tried my hardest not to have FOMO. I used to hate the word, but the feeling is inevitable. Sadly,  the FOMO can be thought into existence if you wallow in your solitude hard enough. I have handled being alone quite well in the last few years, and I should remind myself that I do try–I don’t know why last night I felt so sinful for not having any company.

I accept the moments of connection that life hands me from time to time, but the truth it is more often that I decline for reasons that are mine to understand and resolve. Many days I try to recall what it is like to be outgoing, to be an energy desirable to attract platonic relationships, It is almost hard for me to believe that at such a young age I was more sociable and outgoing, some days it feels almost like I am growing up backwards. Everyday I hear people say, “I am your friend.” or “We should do this, together.” and I feel as though I do not value these messages enough, and maybe that is another problem I need to resolve.

After a few minutes of this… stupid.. fear of missing out combined with the realities of being alone, I played my current favorite album, Malibu by Anderson Paak. His voice sounds like sex and magic if I am being honest and each song shares a story that I can almost relate to despite the artist and I living different narratives. I served myself some more blue dream and wine. What’s the point of wondering why I have all of this to myself? Why can’t I just enjoy it? Maybe I am scared that I might be a reincarnation of Emily Dickinson. Except, I learned nothing in my past life, and my understanding and utilization of isolation is for the worst.

I shaked it off and wrote the night away. The wine tasted so sweet, and slumber seemed more and more inviting. I tucked myself in bed, this soft space and the aroma of lavender holding me tight. This is my peace.

 

 

Giving Myself Some Credit, (and you should do the same for you.)

I have done a lousy job on keeping up with this platform. When I started, I had all intentions of posting healthy, helpful, and revitalizing content. However, reading back on the few entries I have, I realized that majority of the ideas I have shared on here are very dark, self-depriving, and to certain perspectives perhaps even shallow. But acknowledge that these are inevitable, and like many other things, they pass.

There is a battle in my head as I reflect on the woman who wrote the heavy and hateful entries, it’s a huge question, how I really perceive her. On one hand, I feel as though that woman could have tried to fight her fears and her past as opposed to letting it consume her, and blaming it for all her shortcomings. On the other hand, I think that in those moments where the emotional waves are almost comparable to a tsunami of emotions, it can be quite the chore to battle pain, resentment, fears, and even doubts. Even harder when such battles are to be dealt with by our lonesome. In moments like so, our vision of ourselves and our reality can be so distorted. Our suffering, whether small or big can easily overshadow the moments of light and love in our life.

In one of the entries goals were set, collectively aiming to attain mental and social growth.

“I want to welcome the winter humble but still giving credit to myself for any work and effort that I put in the next few months. I want to be patient and understand that whatever the universe has in store for me I will meet in the right time. I want to be radiant! I want to understand what community means.”

The woman I was then, the woman I was during my journey to manifesting these goals, and the woman I am right in this moment, we are all one and the same. But the moments and seasons that have come and gone since carried tendencies to make me believe otherwise.

In the summer where we bloomed alongside nature and radiated energy as the sun did, the idea didn’t seem so far-fetched. Midway into fall and the possibility of even a future felt more and more like an unattainable dream. Come winter and my thoughts consumed me so much, I felt as though I should die along with every flower, or most trees. Most days my tears felt like an ocean I could drown in, and my thoughts were so powerful it was hurting the few lives and energies I surrounded myself with.

And now like the spring, I blossomed again, like all the life around me. A humbling reminder that the universe is truly within us, we blossom, and then we rest, like all the life around us. This is the continuous cycle of life and in order to live our best life, we must allow these changes to flow and stop resisting from change. This wisdom is one of the greatest gifts of growth.

The fruit I harvest within me this spring is the discovery that I have indeed met the goals I set for myself, even though my thoughts and emotions almost convinced me otherwise. I have learned to not only acknowledge my failures, but my accomplishments, big or small. I have learned to be patient with myself, and understand that some things take far more time, and that also, each and everyone of us are in our own path, doing exactly what we’re supposed to be–equipped with everything we need…ourselves and trying our best. Sometimes, our journey for the day can be as simple as trying our best to get out of bed and brushing our teeth, and that is totally fine. Most importantly, I am slowly but surely connecting with the life around me. Revisiting old relationships, making new ones, and cultivating and nourishing the ones that have proven to be important relationships.

It is funny because as fulfilling as this should be, I am faced with new fears and doubt inducing realities, the difference now however, is that I have found the drive to battle these fears and doubts. Freeing myself from my the many attempts of the devils within me to trap me into nothingness…there is so much life to live, and the more I grow, the more I see how privileged I truly am to live not only my best life, but a life that is true for me. And that is apart of the new goals I am setting for myself..

  • Use my knowledge to help those who are struggling to see the potential and world around them.
  • Face the many micro-fears I have been carrying around for many many..years. (Driving, staying in a committed relationship with myself, continuously making platonic connections first)
  • Trusting myself, my abilities, my judgement fully and again continuously
  • Being honest, in every sense of the word
  • Most importantly, to drop the assumptions that anything anyone is doing is to hurt/benefit me.