I have done a lousy job on keeping up with this platform. When I started, I had all intentions of posting healthy, helpful, and revitalizing content. However, reading back on the few entries I have, I realized that majority of the ideas I have shared on here are very dark, self-depriving, and to certain perspectives perhaps even shallow. But acknowledge that these are inevitable, and like many other things, they pass.
There is a battle in my head as I reflect on the woman who wrote the heavy and hateful entries, it’s a huge question, how I really perceive her. On one hand, I feel as though that woman could have tried to fight her fears and her past as opposed to letting it consume her, and blaming it for all her shortcomings. On the other hand, I think that in those moments where the emotional waves are almost comparable to a tsunami of emotions, it can be quite the chore to battle pain, resentment, fears, and even doubts. Even harder when such battles are to be dealt with by our lonesome. In moments like so, our vision of ourselves and our reality can be so distorted. Our suffering, whether small or big can easily overshadow the moments of light and love in our life.
In one of the entries goals were set, collectively aiming to attain mental and social growth.
“I want to welcome the winter humble but still giving credit to myself for any work and effort that I put in the next few months. I want to be patient and understand that whatever the universe has in store for me I will meet in the right time. I want to be radiant! I want to understand what community means.”
The woman I was then, the woman I was during my journey to manifesting these goals, and the woman I am right in this moment, we are all one and the same. But the moments and seasons that have come and gone since carried tendencies to make me believe otherwise.
In the summer where we bloomed alongside nature and radiated energy as the sun did, the idea didn’t seem so far-fetched. Midway into fall and the possibility of even a future felt more and more like an unattainable dream. Come winter and my thoughts consumed me so much, I felt as though I should die along with every flower, or most trees. Most days my tears felt like an ocean I could drown in, and my thoughts were so powerful it was hurting the few lives and energies I surrounded myself with.
And now like the spring, I blossomed again, like all the life around me. A humbling reminder that the universe is truly within us, we blossom, and then we rest, like all the life around us. This is the continuous cycle of life and in order to live our best life, we must allow these changes to flow and stop resisting from change. This wisdom is one of the greatest gifts of growth.
The fruit I harvest within me this spring is the discovery that I have indeed met the goals I set for myself, even though my thoughts and emotions almost convinced me otherwise. I have learned to not only acknowledge my failures, but my accomplishments, big or small. I have learned to be patient with myself, and understand that some things take far more time, and that also, each and everyone of us are in our own path, doing exactly what we’re supposed to be–equipped with everything we need…ourselves and trying our best. Sometimes, our journey for the day can be as simple as trying our best to get out of bed and brushing our teeth, and that is totally fine. Most importantly, I am slowly but surely connecting with the life around me. Revisiting old relationships, making new ones, and cultivating and nourishing the ones that have proven to be important relationships.
It is funny because as fulfilling as this should be, I am faced with new fears and doubt inducing realities, the difference now however, is that I have found the drive to battle these fears and doubts. Freeing myself from my the many attempts of the devils within me to trap me into nothingness…there is so much life to live, and the more I grow, the more I see how privileged I truly am to live not only my best life, but a life that is true for me. And that is apart of the new goals I am setting for myself..
- Use my knowledge to help those who are struggling to see the potential and world around them.
- Face the many micro-fears I have been carrying around for many many..years. (Driving, staying in a committed relationship with myself, continuously making platonic connections first)
- Trusting myself, my abilities, my judgement fully and again continuously
- Being honest, in every sense of the word
- Most importantly, to drop the assumptions that anything anyone is doing is to hurt/benefit me.